Dear Match.com,

Although I have yet to commit to a relationship with you whereby I fork over the monthly big bucks, I appreciate that you care enough for my emotional well being to continuously, nay, unceasingly clog my in box with enticing morsels of manhood; a tapas of testosterone for free. I think it's sweet that you're working so tirelessly to "match" me with your phalanx of "friends"; this tsunami of suitors if you will. But if it's all the same to you, I could use a little space. You see, it's not them, it's me.

No. That's a lie. It's them. If you could just, well, change them ever so slightly for me, I could see things really working out between us. With a few minor adjustments I think we might have a chance-- me and every guy known to man. (Or within a fifty mile radius.) But first, huddle your fellas around 'cause I have a little feedback for them. I promise to be kind, but I think a little honesty is in order.

It's about their profiles. Let's start with the photos:

Put down the beer/wine glass/bottle and take off your hat/toupee/sunglasses. It's not that I don't partake of these things or even disapprove of their use; it's just that ladies are like cops, and in a profile photo-- not unlike on a drivers license-- we like to see you in your purest essence; the core you. You don't take a beer into the shower do you? Oh, you do? Well, you don't wear your sunglasses to bed-- oh, you do that, too? Hmm. Well, just for the purposes of this photo, why don't you leave them down by your side-- it's okay, they're right there, not going far-- and let's have a looksee in earnestness, unadorned. You'll have plenty of time to charm/offend/ignore/repel us later on in the relationship.

To "magnus", "alvin", "pavel" and "brad." Please, dears, put on a shirt. Anything you got, really. Pull something out of the hamper, even if it has a small stain. The for-cheapskates-only thumbnail photos are super tiny and I've yet to install the smell-o-rama app for my pc, so you're safe. And if every friggin' shirt you own is at the laundromat and you can't borrow one and you have to take your profile photo this instant on the outside patio up against a cinder block wall; grab a flag off a pole, a floor mat from your car, a dish towel, anything, really fellas. "No shirt, no shoes, no dice" applies to ladies, too. It's not that we aren't intrigued by your comely physique, we just want to be assured that you know how to separate the darks from the lights and fold within reason. At this point in my life, not having to do your laundry beats out a nice chest, hands down.

If you tell me you're funny and then spend a good six paragraphs not saying anything remotely funny; then you're not funny-- I hate to break it to ya. But you'll get over it. All that climbing and hiking you do; a dry sense of humor is sure to rub off on you eventually. Hikers are notoriously hilarious.

And if you are funny, but your user name is "drugmusic" there's a pretty good chance that a dame my age isn't going to take comfort in that. Twenty years ago, maybe-- but even then, probably not. Do you have any other hobbies?

To "sirhavealot" and "thatdamngood",
I like your user names, I do. They're confident, optimistic and your appreciation for life's bounty is infectious. I just wish your joi de vivre extended to grammar. And kerning! Always with the nospacesbetweenwords. Can you not see that? Can none of you see that? Do I alone have some super power that allows me to see-- ugh, forget it.

Now, mister "myonlyshot" is a different story. His grammar is good but he's such a sad clown. Life is long, pal, and we need to talk about your self confidence. This is not your only shot, not by far. Have you met sirhavealot? You're going to have to buck up, kid, seriously, I'm worried about you. But not so worried that I'll take you on. No way, nuh-uh. Sorry. But, good luck!

To "freakizza",
Would you be adding the suffix, -izza, to more than one word per sentence? And would that just pertain to our written correspondence or to our spoken banter as well. I'd just like to know what I'm in for ahead of time if that's possible.

To "salvatore" and "jerry",
Why the tiled room, boys? It smacks of "Silence of the Lambs." And why no smile? So young, so hard, so cold; like my coffee.

Now, "mr.greenlove",
Is your love sustainable or will I be reduced, reused, and recycled the first chance you get, know what I'm sayin'?

And to "firmfeel",
Really? At 8am? Do I have to be navigating the flotsam of sexual innuendo that floats into my head at that hour of the morning? Could you think of a user name a little more daytime friendly? (And to "activeniceguy", sadly, I have the opposite problem with you.)

Speaking of 8am:
If your user name is has any manner of the word "gentleman" in it, why oh why, are you asking me if I'm wearing panty hose or thigh highs at 7:58 in the morning? Honestly, shouldn't you be watching the toaster? Your toast is gonna burn. Focus on getting out the door for work and then you can worry about what I'm wearing. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Everyone knows that.

To "bigcheese" and "bigteddybear",
I love that you think so. I don't think I'm the bigone for you, but keep on keepin' on, fellas. I'm sure "bigsmile", "bighearted" and "bigboobs" are waiting for you right around the corner. I'm too much of a "bigspaz" to even be in the running.

To "NiceGentleman",
So many gentlemen and yet so few, but you intrigued me. Why is your profile photo a picture of you sitting in a hospital chair, holding an hours-old new born infant? Is it yours? Why does is say in your profile under "Wants kids?" Answer: "Not sure." A gentleman and an enigma? I should say.

Speaking of which...

To "zenarcade", "kineticdust", and "runs2standstill",
So slender, so cryptic. Is there more to life than yoga? You tell me. Or don't. Just allude to it. In hushed tones. On your mat. All sweaty like. It'll never work between us. I can't keep a straight face for that long. But journey on, wandering soul, journey on.

And finally, to "NJitalian", "jerzeyital", "italyboy", "Italianman", "ItalianFunnyGuy", "calabresePaisan", "tigertony", and "BigSal",
I was born in Rome, raised in New Jersey, and yet something tells me I'll never be Italian or Jerz enough for you. But I applaud your righteous pride. And I wish you well. All a yous.

And so thank you Match.com, for reminding me of the myriad of special guys out there who are aching to be a "good listener", willing to "go to restaurants and movies", and who "like to travel". They're just there, within reach, right inside my computer; humorless, unsmiling, and putting spaces after the word and before the comma , like this. And if it weren't for your emails, I might actually be lonely, but knowing what I do about who I could be spending my time with-- I'm deliriously happy. And relieved.